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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23117344">in the ruins of war</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Banana Fish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anger, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Character Death, Coping, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss, Minor Sing Soo-Ling/Lee Yut-Lung, Not Beta Read</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:34:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23117344</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>yut lung and eiji have a conversation at ash's grave months after his death.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Yut-Lung &amp; Ash Lynx, Lee Yut-Lung &amp; Okumura Eiji, Lee Yut-Lung/Okumura Eiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in the ruins of war</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>LMAO OK I WROTE THIS REALLY QUICK BC I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS RIGHT IM STILL ANGRY WITH ASH LMAOOOO HOES MAD 30 minute fics ARE BAD PERIODTTTTT</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>he was a different brand of beautiful. a more brutal, tangy brand of disgusting. a lithe, macabre painting, destroyed and abraised by the sidewalks of new york. and much like the hoards of people who crowded around his beaten body, he was a depraved sucker. the absolute depravity, the sin he held in his small, slender fingers, swinging around time as if it was his own game.</p><p>it was his own doing. it really was. he ruined himself, with his awful, uncanny splatters. he held himself, quietly, ruthlessly and pondered for hours. he was scum at best, unlovable at worst.</p><p>then the dream he must be having, could it have been his worst? the utter turmoil that shook his grave, leaving that untimely body to rot with shame. unloved, unlovable, ugly, horrid.</p><p>yut-lung despised ash. that awful, annoying boy. pursued by stupidity, the tact of him lying dead in the library - waiting for some bitch to find him? it was embarrassing.</p><p>he might as well have spit on his grave.</p><p>"you ruined everyone's life, you moron!" yut-lung cried. "fuck, now sing's a mess. your stupid boyfriend's probably sobbing, and gos, you had the biggest meltdown since britney went bald." he flung his cheap bouquet at flowers at the silent stone, body writhing with anger.</p><p>"maybe if you had gone to a fucking hospital, you wouldn't be here right now," yut-lung scoffed. he knelt down, creasing his expesnive cashmere coat and staining his shoes with the wet dirt. "all because your fucking boyfriend left. god, you're pathetic, a coward even when you're dead." he scrunched his nose, balling up his fists.</p><p>he shouted a little more, "you're useless! useless bitch! no one can fucking die unless i say so!" he held a solid middle finger to the engraved letters, glaring at the atrocity by the weeds. "fucking americans. fucking pompous cunt. no wonder your country is dying!"</p><p> </p><p>"i don't think i've ever heard you express more emotions than that."</p><p>yut lung's hair flailed, the boy turning to a rather grievous looking eiji. with his puffy eyes and swollen eyebags, and obvious tear stains, he wore the look of a mourning lover.</p><p>in a way, yut lung felt pity for eiji. his prick of a boyfriend, in a fit of stupidity, let himself bleed to death. he wondered how the boy managed to fool all the scientists at the lab that he was somehow the next einstein when he had made such a deliriously idiotic move. it was rather pathetic, the way eiji returned from japan, gushing to meet ash, and only to be terminated by his death.</p><p>"hello, okumura," yut lung said softly, instead of his usual hiss. perhaps his pity was the only emotion left for eiji.</p><p>"i don't know if i should be impressed and pissed off that you have the audacity to come here after what you did," eiji choked on his breath, hands curling up in that large hoodie of his. yut lung stayed still. death had this sort of effect on someone.</p><p>eiji's eyes glanced over to the flowers. "really, yut lung? you couldn't get anything better?" he cried scornfully. he gritted his teeth, as if he was on the verge of spilling with screams and tears. he then stared at the grave, eyes shrieking with grief. "maybe he doesn't deserve it. i hate him. i hate a-ash." his speech was stopped by incoherent, sudden sobs that ran shivers down yut lung's spine.</p><p>"did you think you were protecting me?" eiji shrieked, directly at the grave this time. "you, you fucked up everyone else, you selfish bastard! why, why the fuck did you think you were helping me out? why ash? why do you always have to be so goddamn self-sacrificing?" by the end of it, eiji was on the ground, clothing soaked in soil water and slathered with tears.</p><p>"i've never heard you this upset," yut lung remarked, nodding his head slightly. "i can't blame you, though." he moved closer to eiji, pulling out a hankerchief from his pocket, and dabbing it against eiji's flushed cheeks.</p><p>"i'm just so, so angry with him," eiji let out. "and i miss him so much." his voice echoed different pitches - a result of his sobbing.</p><p>"well, there's no going back," yut-lung sniffed. "he loved you, but he was stupid. and god if he could think of others."</p><p>"that's rich coming from you," eiji softly snaps.</p><p>yut lung shrugged, eyes avoiding the boy. "i was never supposed to be empathetic. he was the one supposed to give a shit about all of you."</p><p>"he was stupidly gay," eiji groaned. "he should have known that even if we were in danger, if he were right here, right now, it would be okay. because we would be together. and if that meant that we were constantly being targeted, it would be fine."</p><p>"self-destructive prick," yut lung remarked. "i hated him. you know?"</p><p>"you make a point of that everytime we meet," eiji sniffled, rolling his eyes in annoyance.</p><p>"but i related to him, in a sick sense," he continued. "so i despised you, when all of a sudden, he just got out of the void that i'm stuck in, when the only person i understood left that little space."</p><p>"you're just scared of being alone," eiji nodded.</p><p>"yeah. i hate you loads for it," yut lung grunts. "and i'm still stuck in that empty void, waiting for someone new to take his place. though that might never happen. but either way, i'm hopelessly alone. in this big, ugly, world."</p><p>eiji bit his lip and let out a breathy sigh. "i don't know what you've been through, but right now, i'm lonely too."</p><p>"i believe it," the younger twirled a lock of his hair around his finger, aimlessly capturing strands of delicate, fine raven around his porcelain flesh. "ash is a byotch. even in death, he's ruining everyone else."</p><p>eiji cringed slightly. "he was like a summer fling, an unforgettable masterpiece, a timeless portrait on my wall." as he recalled slow memories, his eyes lit up, and yut lung started to notice to finer features that graced okumura's face. was it his lanky lashes? or his doe eyes that brought ash in?</p><p>"ah."</p><p>"i love him. i still love him," eiji harshly grieved. "and love never really dies. people do. and that's the worst part."</p><p>"take it from me, the easiest way to live is to consume yourself with the feelings after the passing," yut lung dryly advised</p><p>"and how would you know?" this eiji was much colder, people were harsher in times of pain.</p><p>"yes, that ephemeral question," yut lung attempted. "my mother was gang raped and killed in front of me when i was 6. i mean, there is a reason why i fucked over my entire family." he paused for a bit, letting the words settle into eiji's mind, watching the boy flinch for a nanosecond. "plus they whored me out right after for years, so it wasn't that fucking hard to want to kill them."</p><p>"that sounds... awful," eiji replied. "i can't imagine that."</p><p>"ash faced the same. and that's why i could understand his deafening pain. his loneliness. his fear. the reasons he flinched when someone touched too low," yut lung sneered. "but he lost to you. and as much as i want to strangle you, i still am in awe of you two."</p><p>"thanks," eiji hung his head. "but he's dead now. he's dead. his life is gone. and it's like, it's like i can't breathe sometimes knowing he could have lived. sometimes i pass the remote to someone who's not there. i rented out a fucking motel because i don't dare go back to our apartment."</p><p>"even if i never met him again, i would still have hope that he could live. i could believe that he was looking for me, that i would look for him," eiji heavily sighed. "but how can i if he's dead? how can i knowing that i was why he died? it's all my fucking fault."</p><p>"well, live, then," yut lung motioned recklessly. "don't do anything stupid. don't scorn that blond wreck. live for him."</p><p>and eiji turned slowly back to yut lung, his gaze pausing to turn into a mildly interested one.</p><p>"i suppose."</p>
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